Inexplicable Sentiments
by TeeterTotter
Summary: One day, he would understand what being sad was, and he would understand Axel’s logic on sunsets. Until then, the only thing that looking at the diminishing sun of Twilight Town did, was make him feel more…dead.


**Title: **Inexplicable Sentiments

**Rating:** PG-13

**Disclaimer:** I don't own characters, etc… :'(

**Summary:** One day, he would understand what being sad was, and he would understand Axel's logic on sunsets. Until then, the only thing that looking at the diminishing sun of Twilight Town did, was make him feel more…**dead**.

**Warnings:** Uh... boyxboy, AkuRoku (but if you didn't already know that... ), and lack of feelings...kinda!

**Notes and such:** So I've been in a major Kingdom Hearts fix right now. I can't get enough! So I decided to write my first ever Axel/Roxas story! Hopefully it's alright… In case you won't be able to tell, "He" is basically another word for "Roxas," though I'm sure you could stick anyone's name there if you want (excluding the last thing Axel says!)... Whatever floats your boat!

; )

* * *

Being enveloped in the darkness was intense and cold, like being surrounded by a chilled fire. It was an odd sensation that confused with the intention of hurting, and it was effective. It gave him the strange feeling of being enveloped in water without air. He found himself clutching his throat hastily from the suffocating presence it had over his body, only to find that his breathing was regular and his airways were completely clear.

But it was still _there._

It never left him. He could feel the sneaky tendrils crawling through and under his skin like ants. He felt dirty, soiled, and disgusting.

Yet at the same time, he didn't feel anything. Sure, he could actually feel the physical presence of the darkness, but the hatred and anger that its presence brought upon never fully manifested itself inside of him. There was nowhere for it to go.

And he didn't know where he was, who he was, or _how _he was.

How long had he been in this darkness?

It felt like ages and ages, and still he could not see anything but black. There were no shadows or light, it was just an empty void in which he was a mere speck. Nothing around him, ever.

He wasn't even sure if he was moving. The instinct to run and search for something hit him constantly, but was he even running at all? He could feel the aches in his legs and arms, but nothing ever changed and he was stuck in this spot.

It seemed as though he was waiting. For what that was, he wasn't sure.

* * *

Bright, curious green eyes flooded his vision. It was a beautiful sight for someone who had been wrapped in black for as far back as he could remember. _Which isn't long,_ he reminded himself.

Just as quickly as they were there they were gone, and he found his face tickled with vivid red locks that slid smoothly over his skin like silk threads. He winced at the sight. Everything was so _colorful_ and _bright._ Nothing at all like what he had seen before.

_Before—when?_

He honestly couldn't remember much, but he knew for a fact that these colors, _so intense,_ were not around the last time he was awake.

Everything was gone now, and he was staring up at a dull gray ceiling. No more reds or greens, only gray. _At least it's a step up from black_.

Those wisps of darkness were still clouding the corners of his eyes and wrapped tightly around him in a thick layer that he could only sense. It was disconcerting.

But soon there was something else wrapped around him, a strong pair of arms that determinedly slipped under his body. He wanted to move, or speak—to do anything—but when he tried nothing happened. He willed himself to turn his head and look at something else other than this _gray_.

His head bobbed jerkily up and down with the movements of his carrier's walking, and he got glimpses of things here and there. His eyes would not focus on one thing long enough for him to _understand_ what he was seeing before he was forced to look at another spot, but for the moment, it was enough.

* * *

"Hey, buddy."

He turned his head to the voice slowly. This man--_Axel was it?—_had been the one to find and gather him up when he had first arrived here.

_Where's here?_

He didn't know. He didn't seem to know _anything,_ it seemed. He felt, slept, and thought darkness, and the only conclusion he could come up with, was that that's what he was. _Is._ What he was doing here, though, was beyond him.

_Why am I here, wherever this is?_

_What am I supposed to be doing?_

The answers never came to him. Not that he expected it to be that easy, but he had at least expected _something _other than silence. Even in the pitch black emptiness there had always been hints of something. Whispers in the dark that he couldn't quite make out.

Nodding quietly to the redhead, he carried on his way. He wished he could speak to Axel. Since they were first introduced, he wanted to thank him for having been the one to find him. It took him a while to even remember how to walk and do things, but try as he might, he could never get any words to come out. He didn't _know_ how to make himself speak, and if he could feel frustrated, he would be feeling a whole lot of that right now.

* * *

Axel was always hanging around him and he wasn't sure if he liked that or not. At first he hadn't minded, because Axel didn't say much. It was nice having someone else around, to have some presence other than—

No, he would stop thinking of it. Whenever he thought its name it seemed to intensify its hold on him to the point of a simulated strangulation. It was coursing through his veins quickly, like some sort of poison. It tainted him and thumped against his body wickedly, always reminding him that it was there.

When Axel was around, though, it seemed to loosen its grip. It was there enough for him to feel it, but not enough for him to notice each throb of its grimy vines.

He suspected it had something to do with the lively colors Axel encompassed.

Not just his hair and eyes, but his personality as well. Whereas he was more soft-spoken and resigned, Axel was loud and in your face.

…Which brought him back to the point of not liking Axel.

Once Axel had found out that he had remembered how to speak, the redhead had been pestering him into conversation. They were usually pointless topics consisting of Axel complaining about something or other. "Why are we going on a mission so _early_?" "How come _I_ have to do recon?" "Why did Demyx choose a damn Sitar?"

At first he could ignore it, if only for the fact that keeping Axel around made him feel a little less…evil.

After weeks of incessant chatter about nothing, a Nobody could only take so much.

* * *

Axel was actually a very smart man, he found out soon enough. Once he had confronted the previously-annoying man, Axel had tried to act more sophisticated and "smart."

It didn't last very long.

But during that short time, Axel had spouted off random information that he was sure lots of people didn't know just _off the top of their head._

He found himself often sneaking off after his missions with Axel to Twilight Town, just to sit on the clock tower and _talk._ He didn't talk much, but when Axel was around, it was as though the other man could _pull_ his thoughts from him mind, to his mouth. It was unnerving for him to know that Axel had such a power over him.

Did he really even control himself anymore, or was he just some puppet that anyone could take for a spin?

"Hey, you okay? You look kind of sad," Axel interrupted one day, when his thoughts were particularly consuming and dark.

He couldn't help but stare at the man questioningly. Sad? He didn't know what that was. "What does that mean?"

"What does what mean?"

"Looking sad," he replied quietly.

Axel gave him a surprised look before it was quickly wiped off his face by an understanding gleam in his crisp green eyes. "I forgot you don't remember anything," as though that was a good excuse. "Well," Axel hesitated, a gloved finger tapping lightly at his chin as he gazed out at the sunset.

Axel liked the sunset. It was when he felt most _human_, apparently. He agreed, though he would never tell anyone that he didn't know what being human felt like. All he knew was his previous existence in that emptiness. The sunset was that precious time in between the light and the dark, when the sun would hover over the horizon for a little while, saying it's goodbyes to the day, before going off into a slumber.

"_It reminds me of humans, ya know? They all got a bit of dark and light in them. More so light than dark, in the beginning, but as they get older and experience things, their hearts get tainted more and more with the bits of darkness inside of them. And then it just festers and grows until they're completely drowned in it," Axel explained._

"_What happens after that?"_

"_Well after that," he paused. "After that, the sun goes down, and they become Nobodies."_

"Sad is more an emotion, than an actual look," Axel announced finally.

He paused, waiting for the man to finish his explanation. Nothing came after that, and if anything, he felt more confused. "But we don't feel emotions."

"Yeah," a soft chuckle, another thing he didn't understand. "Which is why it would be pointless for me to try and explain it. You've never experienced that feeling, and you _can't._ You just wouldn't understand it."

If he would just _try_, then maybe he would understand. Axel didn't know everything.

In fact, Axel was wrong. The sunset didn't seem to make him feel more human. It was limbo, that place between light and dark. It was him. _Them._ If the dark was that emptiness he had experienced before, then he was sure that he was in this limbo. All he needed to do was experience the light, a day that was soon coming.

_Kingdom Hearts._

One day, he would understand what being sad was, and he would understand Axel's logic on sunsets. Until then, the only thing that looking at the diminishing sun of Twilight Town did, was make him feel more…**dead**.

* * *

_Friends._

He and Axel were friends.

He didn't really know what that meant.

"_Friends, ya know? Like comrades. Buddies. Bee-eff-effs."_

Whatever this was, he enjoyed spending his time with Axel. He could never see himself sitting in Twilight Town with Xigbar, or Saix. Demyx, maybe, but only because the blonde man would probably have dragged him off to Twilight Town to do his work for him while he lazed around. Certainly not on his own free will, though.

_Do I have any of that?_

Being with Axel just seemed natural. Together, they were like the Sea-Salt Ice Cream Axel loved so much. One was sweet, the other salty, and they just _went together._ They fit in a perfect combination, and complemented one another. Axel was more outgoing, while he was more of a recluse, but that's what made the relationship—_Is that what this is?_—work so perfectly.

* * *

He was soon finding out many things about Axel. Some, he could have guessed just by spending an evening with the redhead, others were more like little surprises.

First off, Axel tasted sweet and salty, no doubt due to his choice of ice cream. There was also this _cleanliness_ about the taste, and he couldn't really define it.

That little piece of information had come to him one day when Axel had the bright idea of experimenting. _"I just want to see if we can feel anything," _followed by a big grin and pleading eyes was too much for him to refuse. So they had tried.

To say the least, it was… different.

"_Did you feel anything?"_

_He shrugged, watching that glint of _something_ in the green eyes. "I'm not sure. How can you tell?"_

_The toothy grin that had followed the experimental kiss faltered just a bit, "You just _can_."_

_Oh. "Did you feel anything?"_

"_No, I don't think so."_

_He didn't know what to say. Should he do anything? What could he do? Axel looked so defeated—so upset._

"_Should we…Should we try again?"_

_Just like that, the twinkle was back in the sparkling eyes and the bright smile was back in full force.

* * *

_

The second thing was that Axel was rather possessive of him, in a protective way.

Axel had always enjoyed being around him more than the other Organization members, but since they had experimented with kissing, his possessive nature unfolded. Though it wasn't an extremely horrible thing to deal with, he often found himself finding his partner changed during missions.

The first time, he found it amusing, but after it happened for the seventh time, he was a little put off by the way Axel was acting. He wasn't some glass doll that would break because of a few heartless. He could gather hearts just as well with Larxene or Marluxia, as he did with Axel.

"_But they wouldn't give their lives for you, if you were hurt."_

And all he could respond to that with was a soft sigh and a light smile.

Axel was the only person who actually cared for him, and vice versa, of that he was certain. He was always driving himself crazy when Axel came back late from a mission, or was hurt, no matter how small or insignificant the wound might be.

On those particular days when Axel came to him with a nasty gash in his arm or side, they would experiment some more with their mouths.

"_It hurts, but not so much when you kiss me, because then I'm not really paying attention to it," a sly smile._

Those days were become more and more frequent, and he wondered if Axel was purposely putting himself in harm's way.

"_Why don't you just take a potion and heal it?"_

"_Because you taste better than any potion I've ever had," Axel's smile widened as the fire-wielder yanked him forward by the strings on his uniform, pulling him into a kiss. He was sure that the man was pouring magic into his mouth; he could all but feel the flames licking urgently at his lips. Or was that just Axel's tongue?

* * *

_

The last thing he found out about Axel had taken him by surprise.

They had been in their usual spot, ice cream in hand, when Axel had the sudden urge to spill his thoughts.

"I love you," a quiet announcement.

It puzzled him immensely. He extremely disliked not understanding things, especially _emotions,_ and here Axel was, spewing off different ones like he was telling the colors in the rainbow.

Axel could remember feelings pretty vividly, and for that, he was—though he couldn't actually _feel_ it—jealous.

His red-headed companion had explained various emotions to him one day, and though he couldn't comprehend it, he knew that if he were human he would be feeling lots of different things. Xigbar hated emotions and thought they got in the way, that they were the main weakness of humans.

He disagreed. Emotions sound like wonderful things. How one person could convey so many things with one feeling was astounding. One day he would be able to do that as well, and then when he and Axel tried to feel, they _would._ He would be able to give value to the empty words.

"How do you know that?"

Axel offered a serene smile that was more like a quick quirk upwards of the pink pouty lips. "I just do."

This answer did very little for him, and he couldn't help the roll of his eyes. "Well just because you _do_, doesn't mean it's true."

"You don't believe me?" There was a faint pout on those lips that he had become so familiar with the past few months.

"I don't _understand_ you."

Axel sighed and looked down at the Plaza, watching the kids run around. "You never understand me."

He frowned. Why was Axel acting like that? "Well you know that I don't remember anything. It's hard for me to comprehend what you're saying when you talk about feelings. Especially _your_ feelings."

"But I've explained what love feels like."

"That doesn't mean I'll understand, Axel."

There was a silence that settled over them, and he went back to watching the skateboarders down below. Thin, spidery fingers slid around his wrist, lifting it up and over towards Axel. Another hand appeared also missing its glove and proceeded to free his hand of the confinement as well.

When Axel's bare hand slid into his own, fingers twining instinctively with the warm ones of his friend, all he could think of was that it felt _nice._

They had never done this before; never had any part of them touched skin-on-skin before, aside from their mouths. It was weird, but in a good way. He could definitely get used to this.

The other pale hand reached out to his face, turning it to face those piercing eyes that he thought about constantly. Axel was looking at him in a way he had never seen before, so seriously and intense. If he had a heart, he was positive it would be beating wildly in his chest. That's what Axel said happened when you got an adrenaline rush, or when you liked someone a lot.

Maybe he did like Axel. Perhaps that's what the man wanted to hear.

"I think," he began hesitantly. He wasn't good at making proclamations like Axel was, and he would probably screw this up. "I think that if I had a heart, and if I could feel… That I would feel the same about you." Axel's smile was so powerful, and he was glad that he must have said _something_ right, for once.

"Do you mean that?" Axel pulled him forward by the back of his neck, gently, and their foreheads rested together comfortably. He nodded.

"As much as I can," he smiled lightly. "I know I don't actually feel these things, and I don't remember them, but I _know_ them, at least theoretically."

That seemed to be enough for Axel, and the other man leaned forward to brush those dark pink lips against his. It was innocent, like everything else they had. This was his best friend, and Axel was more than he could have ever asked for.

"You make the darkness go away," he whispered against Axel's lips. "Thank you."

It was true. Since Axel had become his friend, the darkness that had been a constant company had slowly ebbed away into a barely noticeable ache, a slow whisper in the back of his memory.

_Memories of Axel and this life. _

He didn't feel empty anymore, the deep void inside of his chest felt full, even though it was—as of now—only imaginary. Someday he would be able to tell Axel he loved him, and actually understand the feeling.

But that day would be later. For now, he was content. Content to just hold Axel's hand, to kiss, and be held by his friend.

"Thank you, too, Roxas." His heart would just have to catch up.

* * *

**Did you like it? :D Did you hate it? Review and let me know!**


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